Venom stans fight Ted Bundy stans for wanting to f*ck an IRL monster

It’s very early in the year but we’re already calling the winner for best online feud of 2019.

The self-described “Venom fucker” community (that is, people who want to have sexual relations with the eponymous slimy alien bodybuilder monster from that comic book movie) are outraged at the people who want to bang real-life serial killer Ted Bundy

And honestly? They’re not wrong.

Over the weekend, a tweet gained traction in which one such Venom fucker came for the neck of the “Ted Bundy fuckers” trying to defend themselves by comparing the two monster-loving fandoms. 

Because one is a fictional, extraterrestrial symbiote from the Marvel universe, while the other is a convicted serial killer executed for the rape and murder of dozens of women in the 1970s.

Like we said, it’s a goddamn point.

The notorious serial killer recently gained a worrying influx of thirsty fans after the release of a Netflix documentary about his (again) very real, very disturbing crimes against humanity. It also doesn’t hurt that a feature film about Bundy just premiered at Sundance and stars the extremely fuckable Zac Efron.

Back in the day, Bundy had droves of actual female fans declaring their love for him during his murder trial, even leading him to propose and marry a woman while he was trying to defend himself against the charges. But the level of online horniness sparked by the doc even made Netflix urge viewers to find less murder-y guys to lust after on their service.

Meanwhile, Venom-sexuals became a thing all the way back in April 2018, when the first trailer for Sony’s film centered on the Marvel character dropped. If anything, it seemed like his fuckability was in spite of the fact that the symbiote happened to share a body with Hollywood heartthrob Tom Hardy.

And when it comes to Venom fuckers, who are we to judge? The writer of this very article also vehemently defended wanting to fuck that fish guy from The Shape of Water

Sure, director Guillermo del Toro’s creature never went around eating people’s heads like Venom likes to. But, like, a symbiote’s gotta eat. And there’s nothing hotter than a man (sentient alien creature?) who knows what he wants and goes for it.

What’s very much not hot, though, is the real-life crimes of killing actual human beings. 

Or, to quote another Venom stan on Twitter, “The big difference between Venom and Ted Bundy is that Venom is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER and Ted Bundy was a REAL PERSON WHO REALLY KILLED AND TORTURED WOMEN.”

But the Venom Fucker v Ted Bundy Fucker War of 2019 is about so much more than determining who has the higher moral ground. 

Really, it’s about the friends we made along the way while watching two niche monster-fetish communities fight each other tooth and nail.

[h/t The A.V. Club]

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Apple really isn’t selling as many iPhones as it used to

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Apple isn't selling as many iPhones.
Apple isn’t selling as many iPhones.

Image: Justin Sullivan / Getty Images

Apple really isn’t selling as many iPhones.

The company reported earnings for its December quarter Tuesday, revealing that iPhone revenue fell 15 percent, compared with the same time last year. That would be a steep decline for any quarter, but is particularly significant for a holiday period, when sales are typically strong. 

We don’t know exactly how much iPhone sales are suffering, as Apple conveniently announced last quarter that it would stop breaking out individual unit sales for the iPhone and other products. But sales are down enough to hurt Apple’s bottom line. Revenue was down 5 percent overall this quarter, largely due to weaker demand for iPhones. 

The news wasn’t unexpected, though, as earlier this month Apple CEO Tim Cook published a letter to investors warning that revenue wouldn’t be as strong as it had initially projected.

On a call with investors Tuesday, Cook again cited last year’s iPhone battery replacement program as one reason for the worse-than-expected sales, but defended the move. “Some people have suggested we shouldn’t have done this because of its impact on upgrades, but we strongly believe it was the right thing to do for our customers,” he said.

Other contributing factors, according to Cook, include a decline in carrier subsidies and a stronger U.S dollar, which he said impacted sales in countries like Turkey.

Tuesday’s results were Apple’s first since it told investors it would no longer reveal exactly how many iPhones it had sold. But the company did share a few new metrics on its active install base, reporting more than 1.4 billion active devices, including more than 900 million iPhones.

There were some other bright spots for the tech giant, too. Revenue for other hardware categories was up, with Mac, iPad, and wearables all selling better than expected. Apple’s revenue from services, which includes software like the App Store and iCloud, grew to $10.9 billion, up 19 percent from the same time last year.

“We are as confident as ever in the fundamental strength of our business,” Cook told investors.

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Here’s what’s up with Ashton Kutcher tweeting out his phone number

Image: Michael Koavac/Getty Images for WeWork

On Monday, Ashton Kutcher tweeted that he’d be “changing [his] social media strategy.” On Tuesday, he tweeted out his phone number.

No, Kutcher probably wasn’t hacked. And if he did actually give out his private phone number, he probably has a new one now.

The number he shared is connected to an ostensibly new messaging service provider called Community, which, according to its privacy policy, allows subscribers to send messages to their “fans and followers.”

When I sent the number a text, I received this message in response. Clicking on the link led me to the Community website, where I was prompted to sign up for Kutcher’s mailing list. 

Not even an iMessage!

A change in social media strategy indeed.

On the bright side, it looks like at least one person got a personalized response. That’s worth plunging yourself deeper into push notification hell, right?

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Milo Yiannopoulos made a gospel song for views

It’s wrong to mock someone who is down on their luck … unless that person is failed former alt-right superstar Milo Yiannopoulos.

After being forced out of Breitbart two years ago, disinvited from conferences, losing his book deal, incurring approximately $2 million in debt, being deplatformed from a crowdfunding site, and being made to return his wedding ring, Yiannopoulous now appears to have returned to his most familiar haunt: the bottom.

Take, for example, his recent rendition of a gospel song, entitled “Silver & Gold.” 

Of course the video is garbage: It’s an offensive send-up of gospel culture, in which Milo proclaims the virtues of his personal fetishistic materialism. At one point, Milo shows off a $7,500 dinner bill, which is laughable, given what we know about his debt

Stylistically, the whole thing looks like an early 2000s Powerpoint presentation with a rejected Casio keyboard demo soundtrack. It’s comedy for the worst people you knew in middle school. 

It’s rare to see Milo nowadays, even though he remains on multiple social media platforms — YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook among them. He’s virtually absent from public gatherings and the rest of the social media sphere.

It’s not that he’s totally disappeared. It’s just that he’s barely here. While I’m all for ignoring Milo’s  pathetic grabs for attention, it’s important to take note of how low he’s had to descend to even touch the surface of the news cycle. The last time he made news it was for his debt. And this poorly produced video is far below Milo’s already abysmally low cultural standards. It could have been edited on a Motorola Razor. It’s worse than his normal garbage. It’s visual proof that no platforming — even partial no platforming — hurts.

This, my friends, is desperate.

To be fair, it’s only a little more tragic than when he recently offered people on his Patreon “Free Milo ringtones,” Milo posters, and the chance for “Milo to call you on your birthday” in return for donations in the hundreds of dollars. After people complained, he was kicked off the platform.

So congratulations, internet, for getting one of the worst people in the public domain at least partially removed. It took years before you could even partially no-platform Milo, but here we are. In a slightly better place.

Hall-e-lu-jah. 

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Prius owners are defecting to Tesla

Toyota’s been slacking on developing its own all-electric car. It’s reached the point that its hybrid Prius owners are defecting over to electric car company Tesla.

Recent comments from Toyota’s North America CEO Jim Lenktz in Automotive News clued everyone in on how much of a pull Tesla has. According to the auto publication, about 9 percent of Toyota drivers jump to other brands, and half of those defectors are Prius owners going to Tesla.

The Prius is the closest thing Toyota drivers have to an electric option. It came out ahead of the EV boom back in 1997, but it’s still gas-reliant. Toyota’s electric lag is pushing eco-conscious drivers to vehicles like Tesla’s moderately priced sedan, the Model 3. (It starts at $46,000, while a new Prius is upward of $23,000.) Prius sales are dropping. In fact, CNBC reported a 23 percent sales drop in 2018.

Back in August, Tesla CEO Elon Musk shared the top non-Tesla cars customers are swapping out for a Model 3: Toyota Prius, BMW 3 series, Honda Accord, Honda Civic, and Nissan Leaf. The Prius is a hybrid, while the Leaf is all-electric. 

Musk didn’t give any numbers then, and we reached out to Tesla to see if they’d share any trade-in data. Because he did list the Prius first…

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